For years, when tax season arrived, I’d receive both my federal and state tax guidebooks in the mail, a jolting reminder that the time had come around yet again. They weren’t mass mailings; these copies were specifically addressed to me and included the special peel-off labels I’d attach to my finished tax returns, somehow magically speeding their processing. But they never came with the actual forms to be filled out—these I’d pick up at the Lone Pine Post Office. In the lobby with the town’s thousand-plus mailboxes, open at all hours, there’d be stacks of the various common federal forms—1040s, 1040As, 1040EZs—along with the corresponding California State versions. And you could take your pick. There were always bales of them—far, far more than this little town needed, and I’d yearly marvel at the many tons of waste paper generated and spread all across our fair nation.
For some reason, in 2010, I never received my federal tax guide in the mail and eventually, when it never showed up, assumed that this was some new money-saving deal. There were no guidebooks in the P.O. and, when I asked one of the clerks, he suggested that maybe they had them over at the library.
The Lone Pine Library is a classic small-town, one room affair. Rather sad, in fact, with an appalling collection of hand-me-down books but a pretty important civic commodity to the folks who used it. At the time, it had two clunky PCs that received a lot of use. By this time it was early April—down to the wire as usual—so I went over there to try and find myself a copy of the booklet. They had none of the usual kind but the librarian handed me a half-inch-thick, glue-bound almost-a-book with a flat spine and actual cover:
TAX GUIDE
FOR INDIVIDUALS
Publication 17
Catalog Number 10311G
Back home, perusing the guide, it was obvious that this wasn’t what I needed. There were no step-by-step instructions. This was the Official Guide for all matters relating to paying one’s taxes…the esoteric and arcane…the nuts and bolts. And it quickly confirmed my long-held impression that, completely aside from having to part with our hard-earned income, taxes are indeed the most complex and dreadful thing we have to deal with as citizens. Page after page after page of mind-numbing categories and sub-categories of rules and regulations with just the sort of titles one would imagine came with such byzantine matters. Here are a few sample headings:
Wages, Salaries, and Other Earnings
Keeping a Daily Tip Record
Adjustments to Qualified Education Expenses
Limits on Rental Losses
Special Rules for Certain Employees Fringe Benefits
Recapturing (Paying Back) a Federal Mortgage Subsidy Education To Meet Certain Requirements What If I Made a Mistake? Gains and Losses What Acts Result in Additional Taxes? Provider Identification Test
How To Deduct Alimony Paid Impairment-Related Work Expenses Allocation of Interest Expense Taxation of Nonperiodic Payments How To Report Interest Income How To Figure Each Payment Rule 13. You Cannot Be a Qualifying Child of Another Person Capitol Gains Distributions Determining Fair Market Value Performing Artists and Fee-Basis Officials
Entertainment Expenses Non-Deductible Expenses
How To Deduct Alimony Paid Impairment-Related Work Expenses Allocation of Interest Expense Taxation of Nonperiodic Payments How To Report Interest Income How To Figure Each Payment Rule 13. You Cannot Be a Qualifying Child of Another Person Capitol Gains Distributions Determining Fair Market Value Performing Artists and Fee-Basis Officials
Entertainment Expenses Non-Deductible Expenses
Taxes and Fees You Cannot Deduct
Your Rights as a Taxpayer
Astonished (and in a not-so-good way), with my brain growing increasingly muddled, I stumbled upon Other Income, page 137. What follows are some choice excerpts under that benign-sounding heading, reproduced in original form and, to all appearances, neither ironic nor intended for levity. (After all, what could be more serious and less humorless than a government-issued tax guide?)
The following brief discussions are arranged in alphabetical order. Income items that are discussed in greater detail in another publication include a reference to that publication.
Bribes. If you receive a bribe, include it in your income.
Illegal Activity. Income from illegal activities, such as money from dealing illegal drugs, must be included in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ if from your self-employment activity.
Kickbacks. You must include kickbacks, side commissions, push money, or similar payments you receive in your in-come on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040), if from your self-employment activity.
Stolen Property. If you steal property, you must report its fair market value in your income in the year you steal it unless in the same year, you return it to its rightful owner.
Pulitzer, Nobel, and similar prizes. If you were awarded a prize in recognition of accomplishments in religious, charitable, scientific, artistic, educational, literary, or civic fields, you generally must include the value of the prize in your income. However, you do not include this prize in your income if you meet all of the following requirements….
Is this some kind of twisted joke? Some little farcical nugget that someone whose job involves preparing such documents tucked away to bring some much-needed mirth to a cheerless task? After reading through it several times, I think not. It must be a sort of gesture, a bow to the principle of fairness and equality. But, seriously.
Better watch out, all you Pulitzer and Nobel Prize-winners! You may be audited!
©2019 by Tim Forsell 17 Oct 2019
